The love story of Raymond and Alice
Dearest Family, Friends and Criminals,
The story you are about to hear is mostly horseshit.
The truth has been twisted quite a bit, but only for the sake of laughter in the face of miserable times.
Our fairytale begins on the lazy island of Oahu; where the coconut trees sway in the easy breeze, the unemployment checks fill the mailboxes and the diabetics dwell in sweet teriyaki harmony.
There on the leeward side of the island lived a handsome young pig farmer named Raymond Souza Victorino. Raymond and his brothers worked on the farm day and night without lunch or piss breaks.
Life was hard on the young man and each night he prayed for his own true love, that he might start a family of his own. One evening while he was sleeping and dreaming of warm malasadas, a bright light in the barn woke him from his dreams.
“Who dat?” cried Ray.
Just then his fairy godfather appeared, “Howzit Bruddah Ray …..”
“It’s me da kine fairy Godfaddah… get one good lookin Kumu ovah deah on Kalihi side….dats yo tru love Brah!”
“Way ovah deah? No mo one good girl mo close?”
“Nah, only one true love brah…her name is Alice, she is Potagee, but she can read, write and only get fo kids!”
“Only fo kids…too good eh?”
So it came to be that Raymond bought a small donkey, packed it with beer and sashimi and set off to find his true love.
After a day and a half of traveling our hero had eaten all the fish and drank all the beer. By the time he reached Kalihi he had developed a powerful thirst. Luckily for Raymond there was a small bar on the corner where he tied up his donkey and sauntered in for a drink.
Earlier that day our heroine, the sweet and sour Alice Robello, was walking on the beach. Alice was the only woman in Hawaii that could not and would not swim in the island’s pristine waters but instead would walk along the shore daydreaming.
Just then a giant wave crashed on her poor Portagee head and sent her reeling into the surf. While she was underwater drowning in the surf a giant sea turtle swam underneath her and pulled her safely to shore.
While she was lying in the sand coughing up salt water the giant turtle began to speak.
“Wheeesh! What? Cannot swim sistah? Lucky fo you I get one message…yo true love stay comin ova to dis side riding one donkey”
(Cough, cough) “One donkey? What a lucky lady I am!” said Alice sarcastically.
“I’m sorry Honu…I get fo kids and two full time jobs and no time fo love!”
So the giant turtle turned back to the ocean and said “Whateva…his name is Raymond Souza Victorino, he is one pig famah from da leeward side…he will come to da bar tonight”
“One pig famah!! You think I’m stoopid or what?” cried Alice.
“Hey Tita…you da one talking to one turtle…aloha oi”, and with that the giant honu swam back into the sea.
So it came to be that night that Raymond walked in to the bar where Alice worked as a cocktail waitress.
Ray sat down at one of the tables and started eating out of a small bowl of boiled peanuts.
Alice came to take his order. “What you like…beah?”
“Yeah…bring me two beahs”
Raymond looked up and their eyes met; the love light filled the tiny bar room and they were both stuck in its glow.
Raymond wiped the peanut shells from his shirt, “Is yo name Alice?”
“Yea”…she said stunned by his good looks, “did you ride one donkey ovah hea?”
“Is yo name Raymond?”
Raymond nodded his head and smiled, within a few hours Alice was pregnant again.
They had found true love and giant grocery bills. They moved to the mainland and raised their family with lots of love and lots of steamed rice. THE END.